July 2007 Archives

Big fun over at the Parents.com blog, as I deliver another jaw-dropping Elijah story in the classic Alternadad* style. The two below today's post are also quite fun. You can skip the following one about the "group lunch." It's kind of boring and will be rewritten if I have the time.

Meanwhile, some of you have written in asking my opinion about the Tim Donaghy scandal, which proves once and for all that the Suns were robbed--robbed, I tell you--of the NBA title that was rightfully theirs this season. And now that they've undertaken an offseason strategy of giving competent role players away to other teams for nothing in return, I doubt that the Suns will really have another shot. But that's OK. Amare Stoudemire is majoring in human cloning at Arizona State, and he'll have a full-grown clone of himself, genetically engineered to remain on the bench during controversial moments, ready to go by December.

Let me at that Donaghy! Let me at 'im! David Stern is behind the betting ring. I just know it! Cubs fans, you think your team is cursed? You may have a rival in the desert.

*A division of Alternadad International, the world's leading producer of "alternative" parenting humor since 2006.

I've been hired to blog at Parents.com. Please stop mocking me, right now. I realize that it's a little strange that "Alternadad," the former "Bad Sex" columnist for Nerve, who once published a satirical piece featuring Dick Cheney sodomizing Lynne Cheney, someone who has openly written about his odd quasi-sexual relationship with his dead cat, is now writing for the website of Family Circle magazine.

I realize this.

But they've been very nice. And they're paying me.

They've given me three stipulations: No porn, no writing about anything "illegal," and no making fun of the parent company, the glorious Meredith Corporation. Long live the glorious Meredith Corporation. So in this space, I will continue to write about masturbating while using my Silver Surfer to get high.

Also, in August, I'm going to begin blogging for Epicurious, the food website of Conde Nast. They will get my food-related Elijah posts, and Parents.com will get everything else. The content will be, more or less, the same as what you've had here.

I beg of you, my readers, to stay with me through this temporary period of employment. I realize that the "Alternadad" column on Parents.com now has a pink flowery background and that a Johnson's Baby Shampoo ad sometimes creeps across the page when you don't want it, and also that in order to register for comments, you have to get on a Ladies Home Journal mailing list.

So go there, hold your breath, read the content, and then come back here to comment. I'll continually link to my posts here. Let's keep it lively here, OK?

So here are the first six posts. They will update you on my family's summer. Enjoy them and then return here to the living room. Also, don't forget my column on Offsprung.

The Meredith Corporation rules!

NP

I realize it's been quiet around here lately. That's because there are some changes afoot. I will inform you all of them shortly. Meanwhile, please continue to enjoy the unstoppable hilarious brilliance of Offsprung.

My 4th of July was so dull this year that it almost defies description, even in the blog format, where banality is rarely an impediment to a descriptive paragraph or two. Let's just say that at around 6:30 PM, Regina, my brother-in-law and I were at the kitchen table eating turkey burgers and Elijah and his cousin Alison were at Elijah's little kids' table. Elijah ate a hot dog and several pieces of asparagus, for which he has a surprising taste, and Ali had a cream-cheese sandwich and an apple.

We told them that if they finished their food, they could have a popsicle. We'd barely looked down at our plates when Elijah shouted that he was done. His plate was, certainly, clear. So we gave him one. Ali ate much more slowly, and by the time she put her last apple slice in her mouth, Elijah had already finished his popsicle.

At this point, he pulled a piece of his hot dog out of his underwear.

"I TRICKED YOU!" he said.

My brother-in-law stared at him as though Elijah had just pulled the hot-dog out of his own ear.

"Jesus Christ," I said.

"Daddy!" Elijah said. "That's a bad word."

"Elijah," Regina asked, trying very hard not to laugh, "why did you hide the hot dog in your underwear?"

"So I could get a popsicle."

"Yeah," I said, "but it's a pretty small piece of hot dog. Why not just eat it?"

"Because I wanted the popsicle."

"Oy."

"Pretty good trick, huh?" Elijah said.

"Pure genius," I said.

A couple of minutes passed, and then Elijah was marching around the living room in his underwear, saying, "Mommy, have you seen your cell phone?"

Elijah's Razr-shaped crotch revealed the crime.

"Take that out of your pants," Regina said. "The radiation will shrivel your testicles."

"Oh," Elijah said.

"Your mother is being paranoid," I said. "But Elijah?"

"Yes, daddy."

"Don't put anyone's cell phone in your pants again."

"Because it's rude?"

For so many reasons, I thought, but I said, "yes, because it's rude."

Publishes in January.

With cover art by Peter Bagge. I couldn't be more honored. Hate is one of the all-time greats.

The New York Times has published another of my very important tales of contemporary fatherhood. Enjoy. Now, for today's presentation.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, son?"

"When I grow up, I'm going to marry a man."

At the time, we showering in the locker room of the place where Elijah takes swim lessons. I approve of gay marriage. But I still looked around nervously.

"I see," I said.

"Can I do that?"

"Depends," I said. "It's not legal everywhere."

"I want to do it in Los Angeles."

"By the time you're old enough to marry, it should be legal here."

"I will have no kids, only pets, and I will travel to every single place on the earth with my pet guinea pig named Hamsey."

"OK."

"And I'm going to make lots of money."

"That would be nice for you."

"Some grownups live with their parents."

"Not many."

"I'm not going to live with you."

"Good."

"You would yell at me because I'd try to come down into your man hole all the time."

Finally, the guys in the shower started to laugh.

"Whatever," I said.

"I will be an annoying grownup," he said.

"Probably," I said.

"You're annoying, too, daddy."

"I know, son."