November 2004 Archives

Our LEADER will protect us. Our leader loves us. And we love our leader. One of us. One of us. One of us!

Now continue reading below for my favorite novels of the year.

My novel Never Mind The Pollacks has recently been published in Germany. It's the only foreign edition of the book thus far, and there are no others in sight. For your amusement, I link to an English translation of a German-language review here. The review contains what I believe to be the most accurate summation of the book to date: "Neal pole lacquer does not know it also, and therefore he sends in Never Mind The Pollacks its old ego by the turbulent history skirt. It bends itself it so grotesque by right that sometimes the reality shows up."

Indeed. And now I present to you, for no reason other than I'm arrogant enough to think that people care about my opinion, my top five books of 2004. When I say top five, I mean the five best fiction books I've read that were published this year. I might even say the five best fiction books by Jews that were published this year, but I can't because I don't think that Neil Gaiman is Jewish. No, wait. He is Jewish. So my top five books are all by Jewish authors. Who would have believed? A brief description of each follows.

1. Wake Up, Sir! by Jonathan Ames. An absolutely hilarious updating of P.G. Wodehouse, starring an extremely neurotic writer and his imaginary valet, who unwittingly disrupt a peaceful artists' colony in upstate New York.

2. My Old Man by Amy Sohn. A rabbinical school dropout has an affair with an aging film director who bears a startling resemblance to Jim Jarmusch. Tender, funny, and honest, rare qualities in a vast sea of books about the sex lives of New Yorkers.

3. I, Fatty by Jerry Stahl. In an amazing act of literary ventriloquism, Stahl tells the tragic story of Fatty Arbuckle, the first Hollywood star to have his life ruined by scandal. As always in a Stahl book, there are lots of drugs and any number of sexual dysfunctions caused by bad upbringing.

4. The Plot Against America by Philip Roth. An important book in an age when books aren't important. Someone should really give this Roth fellow the recognition he deserves.

5. Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman. The Marvel comics universe re-imagined in Elizabethan England. Unfolds like a familiar dream, with really cool battle scenes. It bends itself it so grotesque by right that sometimes the reality shows up.

Ron Artest would win the Most Valuable Player Award.

Intelligence would show that the drink the fan threw on Artest contained a teaspoonful of anthrax.

All NBA fans would be reclassfied as enemy combatants.

The owners would push through a midnight rule change that makes it impossible to suspend any player who "shares the goals" of the NBA.

And the government would scale back financial aid for hundreds of thousands of low-income college students, thereby creating more interest in the NBA as a career option.

Wah-wah. Internet humor is funny.

Tom DeLay. This long and kind of boring article from Mother Jones tells you all you need to know, except that DeLay is a key member of the Council For National Policy, which is kind of like a Dominonist retreat organization that plots the end of the world about three times a year. Every single thing that's going on right now involving DeLay is part of the Christian Reconstructionist plan to bring the United States to heel by replacing the Constitution with a legal system that literally interprets the Old Testament as law. Party!

Meanwhile, Howard Ahmanson, the very wealthy man who makes Dominionism possible, is a major financier of electronic voting machine companies. Note that the article I just linked was published a year and a half ago. In New Zealand. You know. If our journalists had just...oh, never mind. Press criticism, at this point, had might as well be croquet for all the good it's doing us.

We now live in a world where, very soon, journalists for major American newspapers will begin going to jail in large numbers for refusing to reveal their sources. This story from Iraq bodes ill for the future. My dear fellows. If you're attempting to bring democracy to the savages, don't you think it's a little uncouth to detain their journalists? A leisurely scroll to the bottom of this link reveals that the Iraqi government, which isn't influenced at all by the American government, has warned the news media in Iraq that it must "be precise and objective in handling news and information...otherwise we regret we will be forced to take all the legal measures to guarantee higher national interests."

Ominous rumblings indeed from the cradle of civilization. It's a war, so of course governments are going to attempt to manipulate the press, whether the press supports its goals or not. But threatening the press is very bad, and so is detaining journalists. Those kinds of things happen here, and here, and also here.

Nothing like that is happening here, and by here I mean the United States. But, in a world where the word "purge" is being used ironically to describe the removal of political opponents, it might. It really really might. When will the "stalkerazzi" stop tormenting Hilary Duff?

An 81-year-old Haitian minister, who happens to be a relative of the novelist Edwidge Danticat, has died while in the custody of the U.S. Department Of Homeland Security. It's a horrible story that's probably only coming to light because of the connection to Danticat. Perhaps it will open some eyes, as it did mine, to the hypocritical and unjust way our government treats Haitian immigrants. This old man escaping political persecution is about as much a threat to our "national security" as my cat. The "War On Terror" diminishes us all daily. Condolences to Ms. Danticat and her family. Maybe this incident will lead to some sort of policy change, but with a lover of torture nominated to head the Justice Department, I fear we can only expect more of the same.

Here endeth the lesson. And here's hoping that my beloved Phoenix Suns, whose point guards hail from Canada and Brazil, goad Kobe into two technicals and an ejection tonight. It's a very strange feeling to root for a team that other teams actually fear. Go Purple!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. ZZ Packer, a better writer than I'll ever be, which, admittedly, isn't saying much. But the above-linked piece hits on a theme that has bogged me down since the election, preventing me from effectively writing my novel about the time-travelling robot. She understands our current political predicament far better than the "Fuck The South" crowd, who are surprisingly numerous, ever will. Money quote:

"The more progressive religious-minded folk understand that stating that the Democrats are “for abortion” is like saying every gun owner is “for homicide,” and we all know that’s just not the case. The progressive and moderately religious are, by and large, for real solutions, and rather than foolhardily trying to legislate all sexual behavior, they advocate sex education, birth control and the morning-after pill to reduce unwanted pregnancies. These people know how to talk to the red states and swing states because, more often than not, they live in them. But if we continue shipping in the Prada and Birkenstock crowd to talk about abortion, gay marriage and Iraq to the small-town Main Streeters on their way to Home Depot, we’re toast."

Joshuah Bearman follows along those same lines. There is a way to overcome the fundies, my friends! Let this site serve as a beacon light of hope.

You would think that indicting certain evil Dominionist leaders would slow them down, but not in today's Washington. It's always cute when Josh Marshall eats his Wonkies, the nutritious cereal for wonks. He's got Tom DeLay pinned to the wall. I can't imagine the Hammer is exactly trembling at the sight of Marshall's coffee-deprived blog puss, but Talking Points Memo is the place to go right now if you're a Congressional corruption fetishist.

What else? Oh, yes. I wrote this piece for the Stranger. It's a better-edited version of the stuff I was posting here last week, with some amusing anecdotes about my recent book tour added. The article concludes that being a writer is kind of humiliating. There are definitely some perks, but it's still kind of humiliating. And the food description paragraph alone should pretty much put to rest the stupid regular-guy persona I briefly adopted last week.

I have no working-class credentials, and won't falsely claim them. I grew up in a suburb of Phoenix. My dad owned a bus company and my mom was a schoolteacher. Nope. I'm just another non-fishing, non-hunting big-mouthed middle-class Jew. But you can trust my opinion.

This is a no-spin zone.

I've refrained from commenting on this year's inevitable National Book Awards controversy because no one cares what I think, because I don't care what I think myself, and because, let's be real, it doesn't matter who wins the National Book Award. Of my 100 favorite books of all time, not one has won the National Book Award for fiction. I'm sure many of you can say the same.

The only way the public at large could be made to care about the "five women from New York," all of whom, I'm sure, are very good writers, is if their story gets optioned and that option then gets made into an animated film. While I appreciate the hard work of the many people who keep the temple of literature standing, and I'll pitch in where I can, I don't have any illusions that literature occupies a place in our culture any more important than, say, opera. It's necessary that books continue, but American Literature with a capital L only matters to an audience that's just large enough to keep it from collapsing.

I couldn't believe it when, at the beginning of the NBA ceremony, Nicolette Sheridan threw off her towel and jumped into Garrison Keillor's arms. It was the sexiest moment in American literature since Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday, John O'Hara," in 1957. ABC will do anything to promote Desperate Housewives. Thank goodness the FCC is helping to prevent American children from seeing a black man and a white woman possibly having sex.

Soon, TV is going to have to get subversive to escape the state censors. This British kids' show from the 1970s may point the way. Please don't drink milk while watching the video.

As those of you who attend this virtual church know, I've recently transformed myself from a smart-assed parodist of pompous psuedo-literary political fulminators into a concerned citizen who wishes to heal the cultural rift that's causing America to eat itself from within. Just a view more days of these pills, and the shift will be complete. The night sweats are an unpleasant side effect, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for America.

Many years ago, when I was a reporter for a weekly newspaper in Chicago, I travelled to Indiana to do a story on the closing of a garment factory whose owner was moving operations to Mexico. There I was, a journalism-school graduate who'd grown up in suburban Phoenix, a guy with every opportunity in the world, some of which I hadn't yet blown, and I was trying to tell the stories of women my age whose lives were basically over. I wrote a decent piece that no one read, and the night before I left I hooked up with one of the women, who I found sexy because she was training to be a bounty hunter.

My point here is: Thank God I'm not the only one thinking about these issues. Read this post from the almost unimaginably thoughtful writer David Neiwert. He lays out a blueprint for how Red and Blue types can begin to move toward mutual understanding. Since the post itself is longer than Don Quixote, let me summarize a bit.

Toss out the 20 percent or so of voters who believe that they are superior because they happen to live in Portland or Brooklyn and who think that the best way to get back at the Republicans is to stage a shopping boycott the day after Thanksgiving. Then dump the 30 percent who believe that George W. Bush is paving the way to the Rapture and that homosexuality is a crime against God. That leaves us with 50 percent or so of voters, in both states, who are willing to listen to reason. Cue Paul Reubens.

Shh! I'm trying to listen to reason!

Here are Neiwert's money paragraphs:

"There will be inevitable differences. We won't always see eye to eye on some subjects, especially when they are products of differences in religious beliefs: abortion, gay rights, evolution. What has to change is how we react to these differences. Instead of dismissing people as hopeless ignoramuses for disagreeing on these matters, liberals need to operate from a basis of mutual respect for differing but sincerely held beliefs.

Of course, this respect will not always be reciprocated. This will be especially the case for the hard-core right wing that has an entrenched presence in rural America. Those are not the people whose minds can be changed. And in these kinds of cases, liberals should feel no compulsion to be "sensitive." Indeed, failing to stand up to them with appropriate strength is a recipe for getting bulldozed, as liberals have for the past decade.

But for the bulk of rural Americans, when liberals come up against these kinds of "moral values" friction points, there are two ways to effectively respond: 1) deflecting the conflict by emphasizing the common ground in real-life issues like saving farms and jobs; and 2) stressing their own deeply held moral values, including fairness and inclusiveness, as the basis of their positions -- thereby refuting the charges of amorality with which they are regularly accused by the right."

The Democratic Party seems to be catching on. But to beat the Republicans, it's going to take a lot of work, not just talk about "values." They're going to have to, like the Republicans, set up a series of propaganda organizations that can reach churchgoers in large numbers. And I don't use the word propaganda perjoritavely. The Christian Right have essentially sold people the bill of goods that God is a Republican who wants the United States to rule the world. It's going to take a lot more than sincerity to counteract that noise.

At the same time, I wish that people would stop, and by stop, I mean start, calling me to help regenerate the faith component of the Democratic Party. I don't even have faith that I'll wake up in the morning without vomiting. Now go away. I have to support the administration and its policies in my work.

My apologies to anyone who read an earlier version of this post, which had a bit of a maudlin and didactic feel. But that's what happens when you're going about your innocent business looking for blown-up pictures of Tara Reid's nipple and your wife sends you a video, backed by hard-edged German techno music, of fetuses mutated by depleted uranium exposure. Note to wife: It's not healthy to spend too much time in the comments section of The Daily Kos.

That said, look very hard at these pictures of what's really going on in Fallujah. If Americans are going to support this war, then they need to see the truth, so they can make an honest assessment. As for me, I don't think my tax dollars should go toward our soldiers dumping fly-specked corpses in a ditch and Iraqi toddlers losing their limbs. Then there's the undeniable fact that our own people are getting the crap blown out of them as well. What a bunch of heartless schmucks we have running this country.

And that's the undidactic version. You can only imagine.

Now then. I would, as usual, like to shut Andrew Sullivan up. So, fine. The murder of Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh was a horrible atrocity, and the people who killed him are a menace to civilization and modernity. I have quite a few Dutch friends and have spent many semi-conscious hours in Amsterdam, and I can say without a doubt that the Dutch are a good and tolerant, if somewhat uptight, people who never meant anyone any harm except during the 17th Century. This situation must be very hard for them.

I doubt that I'm what Sullivan considers a "liberal pundit," but I'll have to do. And, you know, he doesn't really bother me that much these days. At least he acknowledges that our country has been largely taken over by far-right Christian lunatics. Christopher Hitchens, on the other hand, continues to fulminate against the evils of Islamic fundamentalism while ignorning the rise of fundamentalism in the country that he rents on an hourly basis between sojourns to trouble spots.

Yes, Hitch, occasionally the left does "apologize for religious fanatics," and also for Cold-War relics like Fidel Castro and pompous faux-Guevara powermongers like Hugo Chavez. But how can an ostensibly intelligent person ignore the ascencion to power of fanatics equally as dangerous and much better-funded? No, Republicans aren't murdering filmmakers in broad daylight. Nor are they kidnapping people and beheading them on television. But should that really be the standard for acceptable behavior?

If you're going to oppose religious fanaticism, then oppose it in all its forms, and open your eyes. Because Bush isn't a secularist. The real "vicious theocratic challenge" to our country is coming from within. Do we have the courage to meet that challenge? Inquiring minds want to know.

Meanwhile, I desperately need to tone down this site and give it a mild redesign. My rock n roll period has ended and my graphics style should reflect that. But my webmaster has fallen in love with an actress and is having trouble leaving the greater Los Angeles area. Would any one of you good people be willing to step into the breach? It really won't be hard. I promise.

I've spent some time the last couple of weeks in this space delivering paranoid warnings about Dominionism, the far-right Christian cult that has taken over the Republican Party and seeks to establish a political system in the United States based on its interpretation of Biblical law.

This is really happening, right now. In our country. And it's not a fringe movement. Tom DeLay, The Speaker Of The House Of Representatives, has said that God is "training" him to "stand up for a Biblical worldview." By "Biblical worldview," he means dismantling the foundations of civil society by any means necessary. No tactic is unethical, because it's all for God.

For the last 25 years, the Dominionists, and I call them that because "Christian right" seems too mild a term, have gone about the quiet business of taking over the Republican Party. This isn't exactly news, but now the other shoe has dropped. It's no accident that 11 states passed laws prohibiting gay marriage this year. Homosexuality is illegal according to Dominionist theology. It's no accident that schoolboards around the country, not just in the South, are starting to make it difficult to teach evolution, which never happened, according to Dominionist theology. All this talk about "activist judges" stems directly from the writing of Gary North, a Dominionist philosopher. And I quote:

"So let us be blunt about it: we must use the doctrine of religious liberty to gain independence for Christian schools until we train up a generation of people who know that there is no religious neutrality, no neutral law, no neutral education, and no neutral civil government. Then they will get busy in constructing a Bible-based social, political and religious order which finally denies the religious liberty of the enemies of God."

Again, let me reiterate. This isn't the writing of a lunatic from the edge. Well, it is, but that edge is the leading edge. According to Dominionism, Christians are mandated to occupy all secular institutions, dismantle them, and ready the world for Christ's return.

All this goes back to the work of the late R.J. Rushdoony, a clearly unhinged man whose seminal text, The Institutes Of Biblical Law, is a guidebook for Dominionism. And I quote: "Man is thus primarily and essentially a religious creature who is truly understood only by reference to his Creator and his ordained destiny under God. Man's destiny, to bring all things under the dominion of God's law-word, confronted man from the beginning of his creation."

You still think this talk is loony? Go to Theocracy Watch, a website that specifically, exhaustively, and legitimately catalogs the encroachment of Dominionism onto American life. It's freaking everywhere, and dominant at the highest levels of government.

This is not about Christianity. It's not even about evangelicalism. If you want to believe that Jesus Christ will return and lift his followers up to heaven, leaving the rest of us to claw one another's eyes out on Earth, that's your business and your right.

I'm telling you, people. Our country is being run by the equivalent of the disciples of L. Ron Hubbard. Their America is a cult.

More to come. This is my quest, and you must fight with me. As Julie Newmar said today about her neighborly conflict with Jim Belushi, "A truce is not done in a superficial manner. There are some folks who must go through a ring of fire to understand life's rules. There are a few of us — very few — who are already there."

You go, Catwoman!

My post criticising the ubiquitous "Fuck The South" meme sparked an interesting discussion on Hit And Run, the interactive portion of Reason magazine. I'll let the variety of arguments speak for themselves. So read them.

Also, a few readers have pointed out to me that while the Wright Brothers did use a North Carolina hill and a strong breeze to launch their aircraft, the majority of the planning and construction was done in Ohio. Just another example of what emerges when Blue and Red states cooperate.

And yes, I realize that the B52s aren't a very hip reference. So how about this: The South is the birthplace of crunk. There are many afficionados of that fine and subtle musical form in the cities of Atlanta and Houston, specifically, who will be glad to have a calm discussion with you if you insult their homes again. And on their new album The Dirty South, The Drive-By Truckers sing, half in-character, half-not, "Don’t piss off the boys from Alabama/you know they won’t let it slide."

Let's be civil, people. These should be your friends. Underground Texas rap and The Drive-By Truckers are for everyone.

From the Reason posts, an expanded list of great Southern things began to emerge. Feel free to add if you see fit:

Willie Nelson, William Faulkner, Hunter S. Thompson, Andre 3000 and Big Boi, Elvis, The Polyphonic Spree, Norah Jones, Blues, Jazz, Rock & Roll, bourbon, corn dogs, moonpies, Coke, Pepsi, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Mike Judge, the Shenandoah Valley, the Smoky Mountains, mint juleps, Thomas Wolfe, Walker Percy, hush puppies...and twins!

This evening, I received an email from a gentleman in Woodland, California. His name matters not, but his attitude does, for his attitude, and the attitudes of those who share his attitude, are headed down a dangerous path. The notice went:

"So's here's the deal, the blue states will join in confederacy with Canada; the red states can turn their clocks back two hundred years. Have fun."

Sir, I take grevious offense at that remark. People down here are suffering as much as you are under Bush. Possibly even more. Just because someone votes for the other candidate doesn't mean they're going to "get what they deserve." We all deserve better, and we're all Americans under this goddamn union. Many of your friends are from the Red States. Many of you have relatives in the Red States. There are many gay people down here, and young people who need good health education. Don't abandon us.

Are you really going to let regional differences tear you apart? Nay, I say. You all are going to shut the hell up and get along with your many good Southern neighbors. You'll work together to bring this country up from its knees. This is not a war, for war is the refuge of the weak. The forces of hatred and intolerance know only war. In all regions of this country, we stand for goodness and the integrity of the human spirit, not the negative shibboleths of bigotry and fear. We rise above.

No, this will be a movement of peace, and it will wash over the country like a cleansing wave. All hail the glorious worker's revolution! May it reign in heaven for one thousand years.

from: Flannery Dean

Neal,

Thank you for feeling as contemptuous of the opinions expressed by Heidi Julavits in today's Salon circle jerk (is this going to become a regular feature of the site? A daily poll of patronizing reactionaries?) as I did. She and her "Italian friend" are silly people and I hope they realize it before they go a-knockin' on the doors of the immoral, brain dead mob they confidently consider themselves above. Heidi Julavits likes to play teacher in her essays but like all bad teachers she offers little in the way of instruction or contradiction. She's a scold and a drip and it is infuriating to read her thoughts on any subject. Lower your petticoat, Heidi; now's not the time for your tears.

I felt sick when George W. was re-elected (and I am Canadian!), not only because I feel he is unfit to lead but because it seemed to me that it revealed how truly terrified Americans are of the world they find themselves in. Too scared to vote for Kerry, too scared not to vote for George Bush seems like a more apt analysis of the situation than "medieval". I don't think it would hurt Salon writers to mingle with the other half of the voting population--you know the people who don't work at Salon?--not as earnest advocates for moral change but as equally flawed human beings
looking for a way through the shitstorm.